Reviews Of What Is In Theaters Now


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Rated: R

Release Date: February 9, 2018

Director: James Foley

Stars: Dakota Johnson, Jamie Dornan

Plot: Good luck figuring it out. Let me know if you do.



Clint Says: Don't even bother.



They should have named this movie FIFTY SHADES OF RED because everyone associated with it should be dreadfully embarrassed with the final product. The story is useless, the acting it stilted, and the chemistry and the plot are non-existent.


When I say the plot is non-existent, I mean that for the first hour and fifteen minutes of this travesty there is almost ZERO plot. It's essentially 75 minutes of sex, music montages, and sex over music montages. Oh, and a 45 mile per hour car chase.


I will say that with about 20 minutes to go in the proceedings this thing almost turns into a real movie. Almost. As a specific event happened on the screen that actually included some conflict and some suspense, I leaned over to another film critic and said, "This is where the movie should have started." Unfortunately, the excitement of having a moment where we got to watch an almost decent movie was soon ruined by the return to mass idiocy.


Above everything else this flick is impossibly unrealistic. Here are three examples. 1. No married couple in the long history of marriage has ever had that much sex. 2. I don't care how mad you are, nobody gets into a serious, heated argument over important issues while wearing sexy lingerie and a boob hanging out. 3. There isn't a single person on this planet that is going to use their pint of Ben and Jerry's like that. Ice cream is for eating. Don't be getting your body hair in my ice cream. If you do, we are going to have issues. And one more for kicks and giggles: When sharing a house with several of your family and friends, do NOT put your nakedness on the table where we have to eat breakfast the next morning. I mean...ewwwwww!


I know millions of people are going to see this movie, even after they read all of the terrible reviews. I feel sorry for you. Because I know what you are getting into. Trust me. You may think that it is going to be a fun girl's night out, but this movie is horrible. It's the worst of the three...and that is saying a lot. 


I talked to several women after the screening and not a single one of them liked it. Not one. Don't waste your time or your money.


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Guest Monday, 18 February 2019