Reviews Of What Is In Theaters Now

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THE 10 WORST FILMS OF 2019

(According to Clint)

 

1

HELLBOY

If there was ever a movie that should be walked out on, this is it. I felt like I was in hell the whole miserable time I had to endure this travesty.

 

 

2

THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN

First of all, this is a movie with no audience. It's about a race car driver who has a dog and a family. It tries to cram everything into one movie and ends up missing on everything. Then there is the ending...oh my. Easily one of the worst movie endings of all time.

 

 

3

CATS

Whoever thought that turning a terrible musical into a $100 Million budget movie and it would make money needs to be fired immediately. Not only is this movie going to be one of the biggest financial bombs in movie history, but it's also just a terrible movie. Scoop this one out with the bad kitty litter.

 

 

4

JEXI

Adam Devine is a really funny guy. I feel bad for him that he got stuck in this horrible movie. The screenplay was so bad we never got to see him do what he is capable of doing. The whole movie is uninteresting, flat, and useless.

 

 

5

PLAYMOBIL: THE MOVIE

This was just another crappy attempt at a studio cash grab, by taking advantage of families. Luckily, word got out about how bad this movie was and it ended up having the 3rd worst opening weekend of all time. Hahahahahaha!!!! Take that evil studio execs that green-lighted this mess.

 

 

 

6

UNCUT GEMS

This is one of the most polarizing films of the decade. I'm sure that you will find this film on some critics' Top 10 list. For me, this was a terrible waste of time and exhausting to watch. A huge portion of the movie is a bunch of people all on screen at the same time trying to yell over the top of each other. The rest of the movie focuses on all of the characters, none of which are redeemable in any way whatsoever. It's terrible people doing terrible things and terrible things are done to them.

 

 

 

7

ARCTIC DOGS

*scrolls back up to PLAYMOBIL. Copy. Scrolls back down to ARCTIC DOGS. Paste.*

This was just another crappy attempt at a studio cash grab, by taking advantage of families. Luckily, word got out about how bad this movie was and it ended up having the 3rd 44th worst opening weekend of all time. Hahahahahaha!!!! Take that evil studio execs that green-lighted this mess.

 

 

 

8

THE AFTERMATH

Studio Exec: What's your movie idea?

Pitcher: A British soldier takes his hot wife to Germany where they move into the house of a super-hot guy while he's still living there. Then the soldier leaves for a long time. Guess what happens next?!

Studio Exec: Love it! Film it now!

 

And that is the story of how Fox Searchlight Pictures got a HUGE tax write off for 2019.

 

 

 

9

GEMINI MAN

Will Smith is awesome. Two Will Smiths? Not so much. Especially when the second Will Smith requires millions of dollars of CGI to create, but your CGI budget is somewhere a lot closer to zero. Throw on top of that a really poor plot and you have the perfect recipe for a 10 Worst list contender.

 

 

 

10

THE INTRUDER

Dennis Quaid ruined this movie. If they had picked any other person to be the bad guy this would have been your normal bad movie and not finished anywhere near the 10 Worst. However, because Dennis Quaid was in it, and deemed it necessary to make the weirdest faces throughout the entire film, it is laughably unwatchable. 

 

 

 

 

Dishonorable Mentions for the Worst Films of the Year

 

 

AFTER

Yes, this looks hot and steamy. And it is. A hot, steamy pile of.... Anywho...This flick is formulaic, dull, and there is zero chemistry between the main characters. The only AFTER you will want if you see this is for it to be AFTER the movie is over.

 

 

 

REPLICAS

Keanu Reeves is one of the nicest guys in Hollywood. He's also at his best in movies where he doesn't have to say too much. (See JOHN WICK). Unfortunately, in REPLICAS, he talks all the time. It's painful.

 

 

 

RAMBO LAST BLOOD

Just because CREED was a successful reboot doesn't mean you should reboot all of your old stuff. RAMBO: LAST BLOOD is a case study as to why this rule should be followed all of the time.

 

 

Posted by on in Movie Reviews

 

 

 

 

2018 had a lot of great movies. 2018 also had some colossal stinkers. 

 

Here are the ones I thought were the worst of the worst.

 

 

10. HOTEL ARTEMIS

 

 

This is a bad knock off version of the JOHN WICK franchise. Unoriginal and a bad story to boot.

 

 

 

9. FIFTY SHADES FREED

 

 

This is the best of the FIFTY SHADES films...and it still made my worst 10 list.

 

 

 

8. SHERLOCK GNOMES

 

 

The first of two terrible Sherlock Holmes knock off flicks.

 

 

 

7. HOLMES AND WATSON

 

This is the second.

 

 

 

6. HELL FEST

 

 

The pitch for this movie was, "let's watch a bunch of annoying teenagers go through some crappy haunted houses." The scary part is a studio actually said, "yes!"

 

 

 

5. THE OATH

 

 

There are few things worse than Thanksgiving dinner with a family that fights about politics. One thing that is worse is watching that scenario play out in a movie.

 

 

 

4. LIFE ITSELF

 

 

This feels like the studio had six or seven decent ideas, but none good enough for one movie, so they mashed them all together into one extraordinary craptastic spectacular.

 

 

 

3. THE HURRICANE HEIST

 

 

A robbery during a category 5 hurricane...what could go right?

 

 

 

2. THE PREDATOR

 

 

A sequel that nobody wanted and the studio obviously didn't really care to make. It looks like they did a cut and paste job of the special effects from the old movies.

 

 

 

1. THE HAPPYTIME MURDERS

 

 

Raunchy puppets are hilarious...for about 2 minutes. This movie is 90 minutes long. Everyone of us that saw this movie wishes that Sesame Street would have won their cease and desist lawsuit.

Tagged in: 2018 Worst Films

Posted by on in Movie Reviews

 

WORST 10 FILMS OF 2017

AND A FEW DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

 

Every year there are films that hit the big screen where almost every single person says, "Who thought making that movie was a good idea?" As a film critic I see over 200 films a year. There are a lot of opportunities for me to ask that question and many more. Most of the time I'm watching one of these terrible films I just sit there mentally screaming. "WHY!? WHY!?" like Nancy Kerrigan.

 

These are the films that you should avoid at all cost...no matter how great the trailer may have made it look.

 

Remember, I watch crappy movies so you don't have to.

 

 

 

10. RESIDENT EVIL: THE FINAL CHAPTER

 

 

The subtitle for this film is EVIL WILL END. I just wanted the movie to end, even if evil won.

 

 

 

9. FLATLINERS

 

 

Every character in this movie was an arrogant jerk. I would have been happy if they all died.

 

 


8. JUST GETTING STARTED

 

 

This is a case study in a Hollywood cash grab. It's also what happens when the production company basically goes out of business during the filming.

 

 

 

7. UNDERWORLD: BLOOD WARS

 

 

When you are begging for the werewolf to jump through the screen and kill you, you know it's a bad movie.

 

 

6. TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT

 

 

If I ever hear those #$%%@ words, "I am Optimus Prime," again, I may do serious damage to something.

 

 

 

5. VALERIAN AND THE CITY OF A THOUSAND PLANETS

 

 

Why act when you can just fill the screen with bad effects?

 

 

 

 

4. FIFTY SHADES DARKER

 

 

The worst part of this movie? Knowing that there is still one more to go. Shoot me now.

 

 

 

3. THE EMOJI MOVIE

 

 

If you are desperate to see an unfunny, 90-minute long iPhone commercial you are still going to be disappointed by this pile of crap.

 

 

 

2. THE SNOWMAN

 

 

The director was unable to shoot about 15% of this movie due to time constraints, yet they still released it in theaters. Not surprisingly, it completely sucks. If the studio can't be bothered with it, you shouldn't either.

 

 

 

1. MOTHER!

 

 

This is the biggest pile of WTF of 2017. I'm sure on some level it is deep and meaningful and artistic and I'm just too stupid to get it, but whatever. This is a load of suck that can't ever be unseen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 2017 DISHONORABLE MENTIONS

AKA: The films that totally sucked, but not quite as bad as MOTHER!

 

 

 

 

JIGSAW

 

 

A horror flick that nobody asked for or wanted, but they crammed it down our throats anyway.

 

 

 

THE NUT JOB 2

 

 

I really think the studio tried hard to make as unfunny a film as possible. Good grief, even politicians are funnier than this piece of junk.

 

 

 

SNATCHED

 

 

Speaking of unfunny...if it wasn't for Wanda Sykes this would have made my 10 worst list. And what is up with that subtitle? It has nothing to do with anything. They must have done that on National non-sequitur day.

 

 

 

UNFORGETTABLE

 

 

I would pay money if someone could help me forget this heaping pile of rubbish.

 

 

 

 

SLEEPLESS

 

 

I still don't know what the title of this movie means. It has nothing to do with the movie. NOTHING! If you can't even bother with a partially descriptive title, then why should I see your crappy flick?

 

Posted by on in Movie Reviews

When it comes to entertainment, there are few things worse than spending a ton of money on movie tickets, popcorn, candy, and drinks only to have to sit through a horrible flick. Now, try to imagine my pain as I watch about 250 movies a year!

I go into every film with the same thought in my head: "This might be the best movie of the year." Then I sit back and wait for the film to confirm my beliefs or disappoint me greatly. The following list are movies that managed to get that thought out of my head within seconds of the opening scenes. I hope for your sake that you didn't have to suffer through any of these flicks.

Let me know what films you think should have made the cut for Worst of the Year.  

 

 

#1 - FIFTY SHADES OF BLACK

TRAILER

 

 I can't even begin to describe how stupid and unfunny this parody film is. I wouldn't watch this movie again even if you offered me free popcorn for a year.

 

 

#2 - GODS OF EGYPT

TRAILER

 

The main character has his eye pulled out of his head a few minutes into the movie. By that point I was begging to be next so I wouldn't have to see any more of this lame flick.

 

 

#3 - BLAIR WITCH

TRAILER

 

The original BLAIR WITCH film was so insanely scary and intense, this follow-up is anything but that. Most of the scary stuff is a repeat from the original and the rest is just plain boring.

 

 

#4 - WARCRAFT

 

TRAILER

 

This is the kind of video game to film adaptation that will make you want to break your game console into little pieces. It feels like a Breaking Bad version of Shrek.

 

 

#5 - THE SHALLOWS

 

TRAILER

 

While Blake Lively's husband, Ryan Reynolds, enjoys his time on my Best Films of 2016 list, she gets to hang out in the depths of horrible moviedom. This film is pretty decent until the last 20 minutes when it turns into a bad version of SHARKNADO.

 

 

#6 - BILLY LYNN'S LONG HALFTIME WALK

 

TRAILER

 

How does a director like Ang Lee make a movie like LIFE OF PI and then something as terrible as this? This film has some of the worst acting of the year. Then you throw in a story that is unrealistic and mediocre at best and by halftime of the movie you are ready to make the long walk to your car. 

 

 

#7 - THE HUNTSMAN: WINTER'S WAR

 

TRAILER

 

The first film in this franchise was hated by critics and moviegoers everywhere, so naturally the studio thought it would be a great idea to make a sequel. It's basically a mashup of the FROZEN sisters gone bad and moved to Middle Earth. I'd rather be frozen than have to see this flick again.

 

#8 - NORM OF THE NORTH

 

TRAILER

 

 An unfunny, political, animated film...ohhhh, let's put that on the "never to see" pile.

 

 

#9 - ZOOLANDER 2

 

TRAILER

 

 15 years after the original was not long enough. The first film was stupid funny, this one is just stupid. 

 

 

#10 - HARDCORE HENRY

 

TRAILER

 

I will give the studio props for thinking outside the box and making a "First-Person Shooter" movie. Unfortunately, it's a really bad film. After the first five minutes it just feels like you're watching someone else play a video game for two hours. Not fun.

 

 

DISHONORABLE MENTION

               

 

Posted by on in Movie Reviews

Hollywood makes a lot of stinkers every year, but it takes something special to make a movie so bad it is able to crack a movie critic's Worst 10 list. It not only has to be bad, but it also has to have ridiculous plot holes, horrible acting, lame dialogue, and any number of other things that make it blatantly obvious that the studio didn't care at all about the finished product. 

In some cases the studio doesn't care because they know that no matter how bad it is it is still going to make money (i.e. MAGIC MIKE XXL). In other cases I think it is plausible deniability. The studio execs want to keep their jobs so when they recognize a bad film has made it too far in the system to be stopped they just distance themselves from it in the hopes that nobody will notice. 

These are the ten films that were so bad they made me question my life choices. (There are about 50 films this year that make me want to ask for a refund on two hours of my life, but these need to give me way more than that). 

 

10. THE GUNMAN

This movie is horrible and slow from start to finish. It also has one of the funniest (not in a good way) bad guy death scenes in any movie ever.

 

 

9. OUR BRAND IS CRISIS

 

Hollywood forgot that we barely care about real elections in the US, much less a fake on in South America. 

 

 

8. STRANGE MAGIC

This animated flick has an amazing soundtrack used in the crappiest way possible. It did, however, reveal to me that I have a magic superpower...the ability to sit all the way through an excruciatingly painful movie.

 

 

7. THE D TRAIN

I am a huge Jack Black fan, but this movie is terrible. It isn't worth the film on which it was printed. 

 

 

6. FANTASTIC FOUR

When you have some of the main actors and the director of the film talking publicly about how bad the film is, you know it's going to be even worse.

 

 

5. JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS

This movie had one of the worst opening weekends in the history of film...and it was still more money than it should have made. 

 

 

4. HOT TUB TIME MACHINE 2

Oh, for a time machine to be able to go back in time and scrub this flick from my brain.

 

 

3. FIFTY SHADES OF GREY

The only way to make this film tolerable is to watch it with several of your snarkiest friends and "MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3000" your way though it. Even then you will still be completely disappointed and annoyed. 

 

 

2. CHAPPIE

Hugh Jackman with a mullet, uber-white people trying to be gangsta, and a bad guy that you can't understand. Those are the good parts of this useless hunk of junk.

 

 

1. IT FOLLOWS

 

Many of my film critic colleagues think this is one of the best horror films ever made. I disagree completely. It is full of massive plot holes, the acting is truly horrific, and it is impossible to take the ticked off ghost/STD hybrid seriously.

 

 

What are some of your worst films of the year? Do you disagree with me on any of the ones listed here? It's fine if you do...hey, I loved THE LONE RANGER and it's considered one of the biggest bombs of all time.